Work. A new journey with the Lord.

So thankful for my brother to be there for me when I am so down. I was contemplating whether to end my life. But my bro asked  me to go to church and see if it helps. After going for a year +, I felt a change.

My journey is not easy. There's so many ups and downs. I asked for God to show me a sign that He is real. He really proved to me that He is real! He gave me hope to live again. Whenever I felt weak, I know He is always there for me. But there's alot of disappointments too. Whenever I pray for healing for my knees, it didn't get answered. I cried out to God and was angry sometimes thinking why doesn't He want to heal me. But I know, he did not bring me this far to leave me. He has the final say, He will fullfill his promise to me.

At work, it's really not easy. Sometimes, I felt everything is going to be okay. Sometimes, it seems so gloomy. During the quarterly meeting today, we had to stand in the meeting room as there's no enough chair. So I brought my own stool in. However, I was mocked by my colleagues. I felt so awkward and ashamed. At times like this, I hate how I couldn't stand normally, how my knee would hurt just by standing awhile. Incidents like this make me feel like the world is so dark and hopeless.

Lord, I need your strength...

The best thing that happened in my life

Hi baby,

Remember we used to tell each other how much we love each other and send each other long text and all. Remember we used to feel so grateful that we found the other half of us.

The first date we had was at starbucks as we had a study date together. I could still remember how sweet your smile was. 
 

We went to watch a movie together afterward, and I didn't expect myself to hold your hand. But when the moment I held your hand, I felt that I really have to cherish you and not to let go. 

We would sit by the playground at your house till late night and enjoy the serenity. I really enjoyed these moments with you. I wished time could just stop there and we could enjoy each other's company forever but time always past so quickly while I was with you. 

 And then came the time when I asked you to be my girlfriend. I was so happy that you said yes. I told myself that I really have to put in effort to make this relationship work. I have to cherish every moment with you.

 Having you as my girlfriend was really the best thing that ever happened.

 I enjoy each and every dates with you. I was really happy to have you by my side to spend time together.

You even spent so much to have a staycation at venue hotel with me. The cards that you made for me and pasted on the wall, I was really so touched. We spent the whole day in each other's arms. Nothing could describe how blissful the feeling was. 

 All the happy moments we had together.

You would spend the day to accompany me study even though it bores you. You gave me motivation to push on and study.

   

You were really the sweetest. 

I'm really very happy to have met you. There are so many things you did for me selflessly.

Baby, I know it has been tough on you during this period of hard times. I know I haven been a good boyfriend for you to support you emotionally, and still add on alot of stress on you because of my own emotions. I'm really sorry for all these. I don't try and understand your situation first and always throw tantrum at you. I don't know if you still want such a lousy person as your boyfriend. I am truly sorry for adding so much pain to you.

Until today, you are still the best thing that happened in my life. I really wish to be the one who is there for you when you feel weakest. I want to be the one who will hug you tight and comfort you. I promise you we will go through this together.

I love you.

Emo or Happy?

Hi it's me again. I always write on my blog only for either 2 reasons; Emo or Happy.


You're right, its Emo this time.


I have been stuck in this hell hole company STM for almost a year. The biggest REGRET of my life is to sign the FUCKING goddamned CHEEBY LAMPA FUCK FUCK FUCK SCHOLARSHIP FROM STM. The scholarship has a contract which requires me to work for 3 years. FUCK ME!!! Why am I so foolish. On the very faithful day that I sign the scholarship contract is the start of my fucked up life.


I remember the first day of work, I rode my motorbike to work. I was filled with excitement and I met a friendly uncle at my company's carpark. We chatted away and it all seems like it's going to be a wonderful experience at STM.


I got attached to electrical dept (duh I studied electrical and that's the only place I can go). I always imagined working as an engineer would be fun; inventing new things, fixing machines, building wonderful things... When I stepped into the electrical dept, I was STUNNED..... OH MY FUCKING GOD. If I knew, I wouldn't have wanted to be an engineer. There are indian workers everywhere.(not saying I dislike them. It's jus everyone's first reaction. but after hang out with them, I feel that they are actually very nice, very caring, very good buddies! )


Anyway, continuing on... The worst part is the TOILET. FUCK!!@@!! Shit is everywhere on the floor, I couldn't even breathe. I held my breathe and quickly pee and get the hell outta there. I can't even imagine if I had to shit in that toilet for 5 mins.


Just when I thought I had already seen the worst, I was horrified yet again by another encounter. It was my first day and my "Upper-study" brought me onboard the ship to see the electrical works. The moment I put my first step on to the ship is the moment I wished everything could rewind back to the days when I was choosing my poly course. The entire ship is very very dusty, and I meant it. My dust mask was BLACK just by walking inside awhile. There are many cables laying around, metal bars hanging over your head, holes on the ground, steps which are very steep, blackout areas, and many hazards... It was as though you are going to die/injured anytime if you make any wrong step. I cried in my heart while following my senior around the ship.


It was lunch time, and guessed what, my senior did not offer to go lunch with me. So, I headed to the canteen by myself. Anyway, I am already quite used to eating by myself. Just then, I saw a guy whom I recognized in the electrical dept. He look kinda okay to hang out with. I bought my rice and sit with him at the table as he was alone too. His name is Firdaus, and we hang out regularly ever since. I can say that he is the "closest friend" I have had in this company so far. He is same like me, studied elect and signed 3 years bond. We share many things in common like riding motorbike etc. After knowing him, my days in the new environment seems to be working out fine.


Just as I thought everything was okay, THIS thing came. This thing is..... My knee pain.


It basically RUINED my entire life. Even basic activities like walking or standing for short while became a huge obstacle. Even till now, for almost a year, I am still being bugged by this knee pain.


I got transferred to a new dept which does admin work. At least the toilet here is for human. No shit no smell. I have a computer terminal for myself. The people in my new dept is somewhat less friendly. Well, everything has its pros and cons. I didn't like my colleagues as they are always putting up a mask and very political. Some of them would claim credit for the work that I did. I did not make any friends in this new dept.


Every day was a fucking torment. I have lunch alone, I do my work alone. When it's time to knock off, one of them even said "Wah,  SO early going back already ah". Well, why do you even care mother fucker?


Every single day, Every hour, Every Minute seems to pass by so slowly. I was crying inside me daily. I had to endure the mental stress as well as my physical pain of my knee. I knock off at 5pm, but by the time I reach home, it was already 7.30pm. I had to take the company bus (1.5hour) and then take bus853 (30min+) and walk (15min). When I've finally reached home, I was already dead beat. I went to bathe, eat dinner, sleep. No time for anything else.


I managed to survive the horrible days of work. But my personality changed. I got very frustrated easily, lost my passion for everything (including my favourite hobby). When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up and become adult faster.. I never knew growing into adult is so tough. I even blamed my mother for bringing me into this world as all I ever experience every day was pain and sadness.


Finally the day has come..


I tendered my resignation. I curse this fucked up company for bringing me all these years of pain. I curse STM for destroying my knees. I can never walk properly again. But of course, I did not write this in my resignation letter la -.- my last day of work is in august. I doubt anybody will organise a farewell lunch for me in my dept. At least I still have Firdaus to have a farewell lunch together with another guy called Aaron from elect dept. Firdaus has also tendered his resignation.


I really hope my sufferings ends here. I hope I can leave behind my sorrows and knee pain. Give my pain to the Fucker who open STM. I believe that there are many people in STM who are also suffering silently. But I don't think anyone could have had it worst than me.


I really hope my next post is a HAPPY one when I start my university in August.


See u then!

A New Self :)

Hi u all,

Things are going quite smoothly. Just as I thought it was the end of the world, I finally see through things. Even though army has caused me to nearly kill myself, I actually stood myself up because of it. I know a friend there call WX and we r always hanging out together. During work, we r like lazy bums always slacking around. I actually learned that friends won't be there with u forever.  NO SUCH THING AS FOREVER. Just cherish what u have now, and don't think too much and don't expect too much.

Unfortunately, something really bad happened just as i was about to ORD thanks to people misusing their powers, Backstabbers, Two-face bastards.

Just as I thought everything was going smoothly, this kind of shit happens. Dam sianz feeling sia. The first time I received the bad news, I almost broke down. I almost went back to my state of despair. But zoey has always been there for me, cheering me up. My parents and Aunty G also helped me alot. I still don't know if the appeal against the discharge will be successful, but no matter what the outcome I will just look forward. Think of the positive side, I don't have to go for reservist.

At least I have goals now; To go university, to buy a car, to buy a house, to buy a Bajah.

Zoey has been there by my side through think and thin, I am so fortunate to have met her. We also always quarrel. Trivial stuff also can quarrel. Despite this, I still love her and I cannot have made it until today without her. I hope everything will go smoothly please... Enough bad luck already x.x

I realize I haven said FML for a long time already :D

just shut up

i dont need ur stupid comments. i dont need u to judge me if i have any friends or not. u can keep ur fucking comments to ur fucking self. u can go to hell. this is y i dun wanna talk to ppl like u. my life is already miserable enough alr, u wan to drive me to a corner till i have no where to go ? cant u freaking understand how painful and sad i am already. i jus hope everyone will die...stop all the pain.

no where to go.

disappointed, depressed...

Do u know what's worth fighting for, and u look for a place to hide, did someone break your heart inside, and u feel yourself sufforcating....... One, 21 guns! lay down your arms, give up the fight~


reaching the end of the road soon. dont feel like talking to anybody right now.. jeanie came, but all she talk about is her stuff, her friends etc.. i hate this world. i wish i could go some where which only belong to me, where i will be loved by everypne. this freaking world is just so ugly, so messy, so stressful. i cant find any happiness in it.. i dun see any light for my future..its all pitch dark. i hope i can die and leave this damn place. my sec sch friends are just pretenders. i would be so much better off if i didn't know them in the first place. i dont need people to come and go, all i need is someone who is willing to come into my life, accept me, and never go away ever again. i wish to be alone, i dont want to talk to all these people..they are just so disgusting. i need a place to hide. i have been finding the place for years, but i will still continue to find it. a place to let me feel peace, without all the sorrows, a place to be happy.

baby, u have been with me for 7 months already. u stood by my side through the toughest times when no one is there for me.. i love u alot for what u have done for me. but baby, i still feel very empty inside.. is it because i cannot see u everyday? but if we stay together everyday, would we end up having conflicts everyday and hate each other?u know i have never truly love someone this much before.. bi, u are the only person who have let me felt what love truly means.. i really wish u will never leave me, because if u do, i have no where else to go.
Love,
Hang Wee

finding the courage to kill myself.

Is it all my fault?

Okay y does everything seems to be like my fault. We quarreled again just now while on skype. She told me got another guy is trying to woo her. It's not the first time alr.. I feel that she's trying to show off? And by saying that to me ofcus I will feel insecure right. I told her what I felt on the phone. She got so pissed, and said its normal what, i would tell my frens about it too what. I don't know is it me who's not understanding enough.. Not only that...I feel like she's trying to know my guy frens. Okay maybe nothing wrong with that.. But she like also trying To know my bro. When's she is in sch, she will like get touchy with her guy frens, worse still, she will boast to me about